Is this a good script (For a kickstarter promo video)
I'm trying to settle on a script for the promo video for the Kickstarter fundraiser campaign for my project. Help me out CreateDebate, give me some feedback :)
Hi, Im David, and thanks for taking the time to checkout the Free Press Bible kickstarter campaign.
First, I want to make a special plea to anyone viewing this video who doesn't think of themselves as religious. Please don't dismiss this project simply because the word "Bible" is part of the title...lol
Instead of thinking of the project as religious, think of it as a tool for ideological or philosophical self examination and improvement. Then, even if you're not really interested in using a product like this as a tool for self development, please keep in mind that this project is about articles that you personally value, and exercising your right to manage them as you see fit, without being at the mercy of some organization or third party. If you do consider yourself religious or spiritual, please don't assume that this project is meant to in any way belittle or desrespect your faith. In fact it's pretty much the whole point that you maintain and modify your collection so it honors your highest values.
The Free Press Bible "promotional release" consists of a book-like binder product, and a bundle of Free and Open Source Software tools designed to make content curation a breeze. Whether it's blocks of text that you want to include in your printable "canon", entire e-books, audio files, videos, or other types of valuable articles that you want to keep well organized and safe, The software bundle that comes with Free Press Bible is being developed to make it a simple, seamless, intuitive, and even fun experience.
Instead of going into a long lecture here about why I think this project is so great, I'd rather have a bunch of great conversations about it. I'd really like an opportunity to convince you to get behind this project, so if you don't want to cough up a few bucks so we can have one in the comments section here at the kickstarter page , I hope you'll come to the Free Press Bible website as it's being developed, and blurt out what's on your mind, or ask the toughest questions you can muster and try to find something about the project that you object to. If you can't, then why not help out a little by talking up the project in your circles, and of course on twitter and facebook.
again, thanks for your consideration....and may you continually make improvements to your collection.
Improvements made from contructive criticism in blue
Yeah pretty good
Side Score: 1
meh..Here's how I would put it
Side Score: 2
1. Start with the main benefit to someone who would use this program, and describe that in an interesting, simple, and original way. Ways to do this are, answer a question, solve a problem someone may have. The person interested in this, what thing specifically are you doing for them? Start with that, even before you tell them who you are.
2. Tell them who you are and why you're doing this in a sentence or two. Earn trust and make them relate to you after you've interested the right people with the first part. If you can't really think of a way to do that, some can't for themselves, make up a character in your head, your perfect customer, and write it from their angle.
3. Make a list of other benefits and take time exploring these. Most come up with even more benefits than they original thought they had. Decide if they work better in bullet or paragraph form (if that is an option, not sure how kickstarter lets you enter stuff).
4. Then tell them what you want them to do. Don't forget to ask directly for action.
Other general advice:
Don't use phrases like secularly minded. Stay very very simple, clear, and to the point.
Don't say "low tech" say easy to use.
Don't say you don't want to give a long lecture, that's just adding to the length of the lecture, keep that sort of idea in mind in all of the content.
Um, can't think of any other specifics now.
Despite all that, it's actually not bad at all.
Side: Yeah pretty good
If you create a crowdfunding campaign, then convincing people that your project is truly worthy of their attention and money is your main job. Try to quickly and easily explain what your project is focused on and how it will help people. "Please don't dismiss this project simply because the word "Bible" is part of the title" is a good point, but that's enough, but don't continue dividing people into religious and non-religious, just talk about the project. I would even advise you to work with video production studio to get a good video or (at least) a great script.
video production studio (wow-how.com)
Side: meh..Here's how I would put it